Jokes Thread
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children.
After her first husband died, she got married again and had 10 more children.
A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"

The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
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Catholics have a great sense of humour!
Manju Vadiarillat
I mistook the Popemobile for an ice cream van today.

I only realised my mistake when I read "wouldn't mind that child" written on the back.

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Do u know what's the difference between U gettin laid, and the Pope gettin laid??
if the Pope gets laid, it's a SIN, and if U get laid, its a MIRACLE!! smile

"Credulity kills" -- Carl Sagan
An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An newly annointed angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

"Credulity kills" -- Carl Sagan
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Quote:Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop.
The cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."
"Fossil rabbits in the Precambrian"
~ J.B.S.Haldane, on being asked to falsify evolution.
The curious case of Baba Ramdev demands for a new meme.

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And ta-dah,
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Two men meet on the street.

One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"

The other one replies: "I'm fine, thanks."

"And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"

"Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."

"Meditating? What's that?"

"I don't know. But it's better than sitting around and doing nothing!"
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A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed."
Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will punish you."

The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fuck'n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don't use that language or god will punish you."

The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, "Oh fuck", The priest said, "That's it god will certainly punish you."

Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "FUCK, I Missed".
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State of Hell
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since most people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that almost all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct… leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting, “Oh, my God!”
So two Muslims walk into a bar...

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